God in Society

Calling the town I grew up in a "small town" is an understatement.

 I graduated with a class of fourteen. Fourteen of the same people in every progressive class until high school when several of my elective classes had three students. We knew everything about each other. But, I feel like I was conditioned to not be all of me when I was taught to check God and testimony at the door.  

In elementary school I remember answering a question about who is the oldest person who ever lived? Well scripture has several extreme examples and I was excited to top the other answers. I remember feeling shame as my answers were brushed away and even mocked and I was asked to be quiet. Something I knew as truth was discarded and I was forced to submit in silence. (What an opportunity this would have been for him to say yes you have a unique perspective on this write me a paragraph on this and we will discuss it later.) 

Seeking to answer in an acceptable way became a pattern. How do I explain this to them in a way they can understand?

In high school English we had to create books about anything. I studied the word of God from modern prophets and outlined their doctrine. When my teacher asked what my collection was I said, "A collection of quotes that I like." I had learned to keep my life separate. This was safe for me and less awkward for them. It made it so I didn't share my passion. I didn't share what really motivated me and my priorities. When these things are hidden people miss knowing you and you miss out on being challenged and growing.  

In high school sports I remember the coach yelling at me," If you can't lead this team we will put someone in that can." I remember her yelling LEAD at me and me yelling to try to motivate my teammates. But really I had no idea how to get people to follow me. I think now that was partly because on a whole I had hid me, at least the parts that connect people. I also think that my coaches and teachers could have better motivated and inspired me if they knew what was important to me. But God is not something to be shared at school. Who told me that I am not sure. 

My daughter recently came home from school and told me she is having to write a paragraph with four supporting facts on her favorite holiday. She had chosen Easter and could not come up with a fourth reason. She had three facts like candy, friends, parties. I asked her why she did not have anything like the fact that Christ was resurrected making it possible to overcome death and live with God and our families forever. You know the real reason we celebrate and not just bunnies. Her response, "Well, mom it is for school." I let it go because I knew what she meant. Some how she has received the same notion that it is better to be two people. This has me sad mostly for others who may never fully know her. 

Some people may think it should be easier to exclude God. But most decisions I make are founded on my beliefs. Even like how much time I will spend exercising, or how clean I will keep my house. It is all based on trying to be the best discipline of Christ that I can. 

True- I am more than just my religion,
but I do not know how to separate it, because my religion is me.

I wish there was a way to make people feel accepted and comfortable sharing beliefs. I am not talking about forcing everyone to say the pledge of allegiance. Forcing people to say under God when they do not believe it is the same as dismissing my belief in a God. I remember before a volleyball game our coach gathering the team for a prayer that felt forced, and I felt bad for those who I knew did not desire to do that. 

Let me share this experience that is still a prominent memory. It was the night before State Volleyball and I was in a hotel room with three other players. It was completely dark and I never felt more seen and accepted. An upperclassman asked me to lead our apartment in a prayer to help us prepare for what tomorrow would bring. Everyone agreed and the words came naturally. It was a time when I was able to be whole with my friends and complete with myself. 

I wish for my children that speaking of religion and beliefs becomes more accepted rather than something to be feared. 

FHE

I am so grateful for the many opportunities I have to teach my children about subjects that matter most to me. (Kindness, Faith, God, Temples, Family, Repentance, Humility) With the new come follow me program the kids are learning the scriptures, but it also gives me the chance to bare testimony of the truth contained in the Book of Mormon and Bible. I think maybe the kids enjoy it because it prolongs bedtime but they are learning and asking questions. We get to act out the stories. Usually nothing big and organized; more like, "Demitri, show us what it means to fear and tremble exceedingly." We are learning and growing as a family with our focus on Christ.

For family home evening last Sunday we talked about Lehi's vision of the tree of life. I used a ball of yarn as the iron rod and I wound it around everything! The string led the kids through the bathtub, under the table, sometimes forward and sometimes back. I was hesitant to do this because I thought it might just be too pinterest like (you know a lot of sparkle with no substance). But I as an adult learned and loved it as we shared this experience. We started the kids in the stinky bathroom with all the lights off. So complete darkness and chaos because this was a new experience. We began with a song, I am a child of God, and then Paisley said the prayer. It was instant that peace and happiness abode as we sang of truths even though the darkness had not changed. I then began to explain how we needed to follow the string to figure out where the tree of life was. Daphney later talked about how "she felt more relaxed and excited when she knew there was a plan and a purpose to get back to the light and out of darkness." I love that!

I felt the concern of father Lehi as I watched my son try to be first and so rather than always hang onto the rope he would bounce around the strings grabbing hold of which ever one seemed to be going the right way. I was surprised by my feelings watching him. I wished he would find joy in the journey and not miss the experience by simply trying to get to the destination. I want to remember that when I have to wait upon the Lord. 

Things that have become relevant from LEHI'S VISION. 

iron rod is the word of God - 

I could always match those two phrases together, but this time I think I finally understood the pleading of a prophet of God to strive to be true to the commandments. There are many issues that I don't know or understand and consequently I am so grateful for a prophet and the scriptures that I can lean on and know that they speak truth so that I can go forward. I have a renewed motivation to know and hold sacred their words.

mist of darkness-  

One day I was driving through a blizzard while taking a baby to the Urgent care. I had been feeling anxiety trying to plan and be ready for the future and you know figure out what that is supposed to be. I was thinking about some of these issues when I took in my surroundings and was like oh no where am I? (literally three blocks from home/ blizzard was that bad that I couldn't see the houses.) I had impressed into my mind, "You are not meant to see through the darkness." What a relief that was to me. It took off some of the pressure I had placed on myself and renewed my determination to hold fast to the truths that I did know.

fruit of the tree- 

I had always pictured this long journey that people go on and eventually if they are good and endure to the end they got this reward of partaking to the tree of life. And while there may be truth to that I never correlated the fruit to be something that we could partake of daily as we seek and partake in the love of God. This was life changing.

great and spacious building- 

 Maybe it is because of social media and people being able to argue about everything, but when I was younger I felt support of my standards. I had friends that would inconvenience themselves in an effort to encourage and respect my beliefs even though they were different. Now I feel like truth in large part is being mocked and degraded. I have been called uneducated, intolerant, old-fashioned, uncultured, and faulty. These voices are loud and they're like never before. Not just for our church but for people of all religion fighting for right. Hold to the rod and let the words of others strengthen your resolve.

Sewing

I have the best daughter! Today we worked on sewing a gift for one of Daphney's friends. Daphney was in heaven. She had to keep taking breaks to journal about it. I am just that much fun!! Consequently it is very up to date like a news real. It has sentences like "10 minutes have past and we are now pinning a lot." Then it also has random ps sentences in the middle of the story to tell you cutsie things. I can't get enough of these sentences... ("ps. I hope me and mom can do this more often.... I hope the rest of my week is like this! So much fun.) Isn't she funny. My favorite sentence though is (I am makeing 2 or 3 mistakes, but everyone makes mistakes.)

It was nice that she was always excited to write so that I could have transition periods to set things up.

Then she brought me her journal and said, "This is the sloppy copy. Here is a different colored pen. Can you read it and make corrections? Then I will rewrite it into a book kind of like a chapter book because there are no pictures."

Isn't she the coolest! She is doing amazing things!

ps. You should see her to do lists she writes for before school. They are like fifteen lines long with one being hug mom! I would say easy child but no child is easy. Definitely a blessed child!

Pss. Yes I just journaled about her journaling.

Knowing the Answer

After ten years I like to think I know my husband. So tonight I was ready.... Ready with the answer, a secret he had entrusted me with since our time dating. Although I was surprised he was divulging this information in front of strangers I  was proud to be the one to know him so well. What great pride it would bring me to share with everyone his big secret.
     But I was WRONG!

This evening we had invited the sister missionaries over to eat dinner with us. We took turns guessing their favorite princesses. Paisley hit the mark on her first try and the missionary admitted to snow white. The next missionary was a smart brunette and also happened to be wearing gold so I guessed Bell. We were two for two. The kids began sharing their favorite princesses. Daphney of coarse had about seven favorites. 

Finally Shane asked the question: "Paisley do you know what my favorite princess is?" As keeper of that secret I excitedly prepared to share the answer that only I would know! -But I waited for Paisley. She got that sparkle in her eye and the smile about burst from her face. She jumped in her chair as she yelled, "ME!"

There was no denying that one. "Um... Exactly right Paisley!"

We love our little princess. She is quite the entertainer and melts the heart of every guest we invite over. She has a sweet gift of love, innocence, and conversation.

Last week I held Paisley as she was interviewed. Paisley answered the questions so they were her answers and what she believed to be correct. But as her mom I realized I knew her better than she did. Paisley answered questions based on what she had recently been thinking about or what she could currently see. Four answers seemed to be about the two pet frogs my kids recently caught. Apparently her greatest success... The interviewer asked, "What is hard for you?" - "Being under that table there is scary." I am not sure she has ever been under it but she could see it in the room.
It made me proud to finally know someone so well that even though the interviewer and the interviewee had an honest conversation, I knew the real Paisley. I am so grateful I have parents both earthly and Heavenly that know me. When I get blinded by the current big trial or success or that I can't see beyond the here and now I can turn to them to remind me who I really am and what my focus should be.  Being a parent is such a blessing.

I Love You Growth

        My newly wed sister is constantly bragging about how great marriage is... and her husband that left her the cutest encouraging note... and today he folded the towels on her bed to look like birds reminding her of their honeymoon... and cleaned the house. Her picture text was accompanied with the phrase. 

#"When you already live in heaven."....  

       It has touched my tuckered out heart and caused me to reminisce. I did those super cheesy things like writing  "11 reasons I love you", a note to celebrate the day 11-11-11. I remember crying as I walked to college classes knowing I wouldn't see my husband the ENTIRE day. I remember wondering what the point of marriage was if we would spend our days apart locked in different labs to study. Yes I was cheesy, I was young, I even worried if we were to get married would we become less close and not need each other as much. 

I had seen married couples that functioned withOUT texting throughout class. Would we become that?

On my wedding day I overheard my sweet-grandpa-Bill take Shane by the shoulder and say, "Boy you think you love her now? You just wait..." Because of my mindset on marriage and wondering how it could ever get better than this I couldn't help but continue to mull over this conversation for what has now been nine years.

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Today as I am writing this it is past eight-o-clock and I still wonder if maybe my husband might make it home earlier than normal. I don't cry like that young college girl used to. Why?

        I know that when I truly need my husband he will be there and he will cover 100% of our responsibilities if needed. 

        I know that I am strong and can be trusted with covering 100% of our responsibilities if needed. 

That trust is something gained through trials. A love born from the struggle of trying to have kids, the struggle of having kids, the struggle of finding a job, the struggle of having a job that asks too much. Trials have helped me to love more deeply while relying on each other and taking a step into the dark. 

Recently I broke my leg and the way I showed Shane today that I loved him is I never gave up. 

 I cried as I struggled to mop up with my one good leg the pond of cranberry juice, popcorn grease trail, and shattered glass. (All three of which are hazardous on my crutches. Thanks kids.) I yelled... I got frustrated... I apologized... But I fought. The days are hard but nothing says I love you more than not giving up on the priorities we have together. 

       Shane and I are more bonded in purpose than ever and yes we can function even apart. We both fulfill responsibilities beyond our own capabilities and have to rely on each other and our Savior and that is where I see the love. 

I LOVE YOU is in the struggle and dedication of a diligent spouse. This kind of love is the cake and is so substantial.

But the adorable make me sick love is the icing and should be sprinkled on with a heavy hand. 

Who you are with KIDS

Last week, I tried to write a beautiful post chuck full about all my knowledge of motherhood... but before the day was over all my concrete truths were foiled and I had not even posted it yet.

So REWRITE- Honest TRUTHS

-Oh you are having a baby, "Congrats! Here is what comes next that nobody told me."

#1.) TRUTH 

You need to become a naturist. After you have finally gotten the kids to sleep or dropped off at preschool (you might have misconceived notions to call it "free time") you will need to Google caterpillars favorite foods. Or more specifically foods that promote scales that way your son's dream of being a dragon tamer will come true once that butterfly/dragon hatches. 

Here is the mansion I built, because when I said they could bring one home they somehow multiplied into five when I opened the cup. 

Also during this free time you will also need to search the car for gigantic dead snails, because the car is starting to smell funky. Yeah we still can't find the last one.... Oh and did I mention the two thousand praying mantises we had hatch in the car while traveling on a family vacation? My car resale is climbing with every birth- human and un-human... Forget the parenting books just read up on mantises, because they are feisty.

You will also have to know about frogs and have friends that will come check your house after your son realizes he forgot to release "MR. LIGHTNING CRUSH" before the family camping trip. Yeah we never found him either... 

#2.) TRUTH

Your beautiful kitchen will house so many wonderful family dinners and conversations, but the real good stuff is never eaten at the table. Behind every couch and even in the toy box and blanket box -"yes, I believe there is good cover to hide there." That far corner of the living room will always have far more stains than the carpet in the open.

#3.) TRUTH

You will never catch up, because while you are cleaning the morning messes and caring for animals you never knew would be part of the family (in your free time) your kids who let's be honest NEVER fell asleep will raid your bathroom and look "beautiful"  in your mascara. Your trash can will have happy faces drawn on all four sides and you won't even care. And when you ask your daughter about the crumbled up deodorant in the sheets of your king sized bed she will look up at you beaming and exclaiming with pride, "I didn't EAT It!"...and when you don't look satisfied she will add... "Or LICK It?!" Yes, crawl in and finish/START naps there because you won't catch up on cleaning and bonus you will smell great when you wake up.

Don't get me started on the number of stuffed animals that you will be in charge of caring for. My daughter gets far more done DURING her nap than I do. 

#4.) TRUTH 

Well your house is just a mess so get out of the house so that they can destroy something that is not yours. That concept may have factored into our positive list about sending our son to preschool. We save so much money by being away from our house... sadly the city loses money. Good thing we pay taxes?

#5. TRUTH

Clearly I know nothing about parenting, and things go south everyday. (I shouldn't admit how many of those hypothetical stories are from today.) So focus on the things that went right if that happens...

Today we went had two doctors appointments! AND they were both scheduled no ER visits! WIN!!

We also went apple picking!! WIN!!! -only lost shoes and had to walk all the rows while dodging apples with our stroller, BUT didn't lose children!

-"Yes my friend I am so happy you decided to have a baby; kids will change you in ways you never knew or wanted!" 

Thanks Mom and Dad for being there everyday!

Spirit week

Demitri is such a cool dude. One of his talents is that he is an influencer. We go to the park and he always has a trail of boys and is teaching them how to hunt for treasure or climb higher than they should. I watch him at the park or at drop off or pick up for school and every little kid seems to love doing what he does. Which is usually something he shouldn't be doing but... some day he will use those skills for good I think. He normally hides in the car so a teacher has to peak in and he jumps out and scares her, but today he proudly jumped right out and posed in his pirate hawiian outfit for spirit week and there was an audible wave of "wow!" down the line of onlooking preschoolers.