Who you are with KIDS

Last week, I tried to write a beautiful post chuck full about all my knowledge of motherhood... but before the day was over all my concrete truths were foiled and I had not even posted it yet.

So REWRITE- Honest TRUTHS

-Oh you are having a baby, "Congrats! Here is what comes next that nobody told me."

#1.) TRUTH 

You need to become a naturist. After you have finally gotten the kids to sleep or dropped off at preschool (you might have misconceived notions to call it "free time") you will need to Google caterpillars favorite foods. Or more specifically foods that promote scales that way your son's dream of being a dragon tamer will come true once that butterfly/dragon hatches. 

Here is the mansion I built, because when I said they could bring one home they somehow multiplied into five when I opened the cup. 

Also during this free time you will also need to search the car for gigantic dead snails, because the car is starting to smell funky. Yeah we still can't find the last one.... Oh and did I mention the two thousand praying mantises we had hatch in the car while traveling on a family vacation? My car resale is climbing with every birth- human and un-human... Forget the parenting books just read up on mantises, because they are feisty.

You will also have to know about frogs and have friends that will come check your house after your son realizes he forgot to release "MR. LIGHTNING CRUSH" before the family camping trip. Yeah we never found him either... 

#2.) TRUTH

Your beautiful kitchen will house so many wonderful family dinners and conversations, but the real good stuff is never eaten at the table. Behind every couch and even in the toy box and blanket box -"yes, I believe there is good cover to hide there." That far corner of the living room will always have far more stains than the carpet in the open.

#3.) TRUTH

You will never catch up, because while you are cleaning the morning messes and caring for animals you never knew would be part of the family (in your free time) your kids who let's be honest NEVER fell asleep will raid your bathroom and look "beautiful"  in your mascara. Your trash can will have happy faces drawn on all four sides and you won't even care. And when you ask your daughter about the crumbled up deodorant in the sheets of your king sized bed she will look up at you beaming and exclaiming with pride, "I didn't EAT It!"...and when you don't look satisfied she will add... "Or LICK It?!" Yes, crawl in and finish/START naps there because you won't catch up on cleaning and bonus you will smell great when you wake up.

Don't get me started on the number of stuffed animals that you will be in charge of caring for. My daughter gets far more done DURING her nap than I do. 

#4.) TRUTH 

Well your house is just a mess so get out of the house so that they can destroy something that is not yours. That concept may have factored into our positive list about sending our son to preschool. We save so much money by being away from our house... sadly the city loses money. Good thing we pay taxes?

#5. TRUTH

Clearly I know nothing about parenting, and things go south everyday. (I shouldn't admit how many of those hypothetical stories are from today.) So focus on the things that went right if that happens...

Today we went had two doctors appointments! AND they were both scheduled no ER visits! WIN!!

We also went apple picking!! WIN!!! -only lost shoes and had to walk all the rows while dodging apples with our stroller, BUT didn't lose children!

-"Yes my friend I am so happy you decided to have a baby; kids will change you in ways you never knew or wanted!" 

Thanks Mom and Dad for being there everyday!